So where to start? I was always told that the beginning was the best place, but I don’t think you want to hear about my beginning. A drunken night in Burton-on-Trent on the bonnet of a 1956 Renault Dauphine is not a particularly glamorous way to be conceived but to be fair to her she was at the time considered to give one of the most comfortable rides in the North of England. My mother that is. The Renault on the other hand wasn’t held in quite the same regard by the men of Northern England. The Dauphine was probably the most ineffective piece of French engineering since the Maginot Line, but it provided a solid enough platform for my mother on many occasions so it will always hold a special place in my heart.
But anyway, I digress, I am here to talk about Hector and not drunken fumblings on the bonnet of sub-standard European motors, although there are many parallels between this and the Hector : Badge of Carnage game for the iPhone, iPod Touch and iPad.
I thought I would start with the Hector : Badge of Carnage YouTube Trailer. It sums up what the Hector iApp is all about much better than me banging on about my promiscuous relatives does.
Pretty sweet, huh? 18, 932 people can’t be wrong can they? Well actually they probably could give the current state of the political landscape, but that is a conversation for another blog and for someone who gives a crap about politics. But hopefully this video has whet your appetite and you are now just just wondering where to go to get your copy of Hector : Bagde of Carnage. Click here to go directly to iTunes and download the game now or go to www.thehectorfiles.tv to find out more about Hector.
Now off you go. And if this post has done nothing else but discourage you from ever purchasing a Renault Dauphine or visiting Burton-on-Trent then my work here is done.
Unless you have been living in a cave for the last few weeks you will know that the Hector : Badge of Carnage iApp has hit the iTunes App Store with the sort of force that is usually only seen at chucking out time at the Broken Arms in Clappers Wreake. Well, in case you were wondering why the blog has been emptier than a Scottish pay toilet for the last few weeks, I have in fact been living in a cave so I am only now catching up with the news on how well my old mate Hector has been doing. It seems that the game has been making more waves than Hector used to make in the bath on Mutton Vindaloo Wednesdays.
So I plan to explore the web over the next few weeks and for the benefit of those other poor souls who were also recently living in a cave I will be posting some of the online blurb about the game and allowing even the most reclusive of people to find out about the first installment of the Hector Badge of Carnage trilogy of games.
If you want to find out more about Hector – Fat Arse of the Law – and the Badge of Carnage game then go to www.thehectorfiles.tv and see what all of the fuss is about. Or you can click here to go directly to iTunes and buy the beast right now. And if you want to find out why I was living in a cave for the last few months, then you will have to mind your own damn business. That is a matter between me and the Leopard Man of Skye
Ok you’ve been teased long enough. I already know the answer to this rhetorical question, but if you don’t then you’ll have to click the pic to find out…
Hint: Starts with ‘H’ and ends in ‘ector Badge of Carnage.’
You’d best click quick if you want to get your unwashed paws on a FREE on the house copy of HECTOR: Badge of Carnage from the nice guys who love to touch Apps over at Touch My Apps!
Claw your way to the top of the pile and be careful not to get your eye poked in the mad scramble for HECTOR: Badge of Carnage for iPhone! Things are about to get ugly….
Apple features HECTOR: Badge of Carnage as one of the “BEST GAMES YOU’VE NEVER PLAYED”!
“HECTOR: Badge of Carnage Ep1 – This point and click adventure game really pushes the boundaries of the App Store approval process. Filled with dirty humor and raunchy references,Hector won’t take you more than a few hours to beat… But those few hours will be amazing.”
Well, well, well! It seems like I wasn’t talking to myself over the last few months and that you all were hanging on my every work like a bunch of salivating dogs around a wounded guinea pig. Well, I hate to say I told you so, but, I told you so. Hector: Badge of Carnage is pretty darn good isn’t it? It’s so good that we have even sent someone over to WWDC in San Francisco to bump uglies with the great and good of the Apple world and tell everyone across the pond about Hector.
In a happy coincide Hector has also been sent over to San Fran as part of a hearts and minds operation that the Metropolitan Police are running with the SFPD. Hector has been sent to California to police the streets of San Fran and some poor sod from the SFPD has been sent to Clappers Wreake to fill Hector’s boots for a week. I think I know who got the better deal there. Hector has been tasked with policing the WWDC so you can follow his progress on Twitter @diHector.
Things at WWDC seem to be going well. Hector was last seen wrestling Steve Jobs to the deck as he stepped over a crowd control rope at the queue for the Krispy Kremes. And Straandlooper are successfully spreading the word about Badge of Carnage to the uninitiated. I would start telling you all about all of the wonderful reviews that we have had over the last few days but there are just too many and I genuinely can’t be arsed. I will mention this one simply because it has the most uninspiring title I have ever heard:
And some other people also said that it was the greatest thing since they decided to put cheese in a can, but you don’t need me to tell you this. You are all big enough and ugly enough to find out how great Hector is for yourself. Just type it into Google, Twitter, FaceSlap or MyArse or whatever it is that you people do and stop relying on me to hold your hand.
But just in case there a few people still squatting in a ditch sticking berries up their nose and they don’t know what this Hector business is, click here to go to iTunes and see what all of the fuss is about.
Phew! I haven’t been this busy at work since I ordered that lorryload of paperclips. Ah, the memories. Well, since the launch of the Hector: Badge of Carnage game the world wide interweb has been awash with Hector activity. The last time their was this much Hector activity online was when some greasy young oik caught Hector urinating over the statue in the town square, filmed it and stuck it up on YouTube. He had some job explaining that one to Meeks, but he passed it off as a new policing technique, where he was actually sweeping the place for forensic clues for a case he was working on. Unsurprisingly Meeks bought it and had the video pulled from YouTube protecting Hector’s modesty, at least for the time being.
Anyway, as I was saying there has been plenty of chat about Hector online and PocketGamer – the leading online destination for mobile games – has just got in on the act posting the article below.
Click on the image to go to PocketGamer and read what they have to say about the game.
Or click here to go to iTunes to have a look at the game for yourself. Go on! You know you want to. We’ll talk about you behind your back if you don’t. And I can tell. I have Google Analytics. I can even tell you what you had for breakfast. Yes, that’s right Josh in Darlington. Kippers. Shame on you.
The launch of the second most anticipated game of 2010 – Hector: Badge of Carnage – hasn’t gone unnoticed in the weird and wonderful world of the t’interweb. The good folks over at Touch Arcade have salivating like the game hungry dogs that they are over the launch and have been posting their little hearts out over the last few days.
Click on the image above to go over to the forum and see what the world has been saying about the game. When Hector stumbled home from the Broken Arms late last night even logged on to see what was going on and lobbed in a free promo code for one lucky reader. A bit out of character for the big man, but then I did tell him not to mix Peach Schnapps with Jägermeister so he only has himself to blame. Don’t expect any interactions with him this morning as he is currently talking on the old porcelain telephone and it looks like it will be a long conversation.
If you want to check out the Hector game for yourself you can got to iTunes now and download it for yourself. Just tell them I sent you.
So the day has finally arrived. They said it couldn’t be done! Yes, the first installment of the Hector: Fat Arse of the Law Badge of carnage games is out today and currently available for download from the iTunes App Store. It feels a bit strange saying that as I have spent the best part of a year saying coming soon, or check back for more details, but no more. It gives me great pride to say ‘Click here’ to go to iTunes and get your copy now!
Hector: Badge of Carnage Episode 1
When a hostage crisis erupts in the centre of Clappers Wreake, only one man has the diplomatic finesse to defuse a simmering situation before it boils over into a stew of butchery and bloodshed: Detective Inspector Hector. He’s all they’ve got. Literally. All the other negotiators are dead. Hector has a choice to make: carry out the terrorist’s curiously altruistic demands, or watch as his fellow officers are picked off one by one. Hector’s still on the fence.
Stagger a drunken mile through the Crime Capital of Britain in the size 9s of Detective Inspector Hector: part criminalist, part kebab-fiend, all cop.
Do all the things you’ve dreamed about: hit a tramp with a crowbar, steal a young man’s trousers, kick a heroin addict into a cardboard box, enter a porn shop without embarrassment, carry a designer handbag… all in the name of justice, and all in spectacular ground-breaking 2D.
Did we mention? It’s not for kids.
This isn’t one of those bog-standard Oh-god-where-am-I-how-did-I-get-here-there’s-a-screwdriver-in-a-desk-drawer type escape games that the interweb seems to be infested with nowadays. HECTOR:BADGE OF CARNAGE takes you back to the glory days of the point ‘n click graphic adventure: nonsensical inventory items, favour-hungry reprobates, and a relentless stream of witty one-liners.
What you get:
- 18 sordid, filthy, rundown locations
- 23 well-developed & witty characters (+ 1 stinking drunk)
- 40 Inventory items (includes Free Lubricant!)
- 397 interactive objects
- 2421 spoken lines of dialogue
- Cinematic cutscenes
- Original score
- A good few hours worth of low action puzzle-solving gameplay
What we Get:
- Your cash.
Look, we honestly don’t care if you like it. We just want you to buy it. If you don’t, you’ll never see Episode 2 or 3.
Watch HECTOR: BADGE OF CARNAGE teasers and trailers on www.youtube.com/thehectorfiles or go to www.thehectorfiles.tv for more info on Hector. Or just carry on your sad little lives without paying a blind bit of notice to anything I say. Why change the habit of a lifetime.
With the launch date for the first instalment of the Hector: Fat Arse of the Law Badge of Carnage iApp fast approaching security around the studio has been stepped up to avoid any leaks being made before the official release date. Mostly in an attempt to keep the game away from Apple so they don’t realise that they have made a horrendous mistake in approving it!
But even with security tighter than a mermaid’s brassier, there was a breach late last night where a couple of intruders broke into the studio and made off with the contents of my desk. All we have to go in this grainy image from our CCTV cameras at the rear of the buildings by the wheelie bins.
Thankfully, as I don’t actually do any work, all they made off with was a computer riddled with pornography, one of those executive toys where you stick your hand into a load of pins and it looks like your hand, my Blu-Tac collection, a pen in the shape of a potato, a desk tidy filled with kirby grips and a disc that contains the greatest hits of Black Lace (CD-R).
Police have very little to go on other than the image, although I did notice a potato pen for sale on eBay today. The seller’s name was Kimbo1976. Not much of a lead but I can’t imagine there are too many potato pens out there at the minute so the police are looking into it.
So the game remains safely locked away ready to be released upon an unsuspecting world on 2nd June 2010.
