So where to start? I was always told that the beginning was the best place, but I don’t think you want to hear about my beginning. A drunken night in Burton-on-Trent on the bonnet of a 1956 Renault Dauphine is not a particularly glamorous way to be conceived but to be fair to her she was at the time considered to give one of the most comfortable rides in the North of England. My mother that is. The Renault on the other hand wasn’t held in quite the same regard by the men of Northern England. The Dauphine was probably the most ineffective piece of French engineering since the Maginot Line, but it provided a solid enough platform for my mother on many occasions so it will always hold a special place in my heart.

But anyway, I digress, I am here to talk about Hector and not drunken fumblings on the bonnet of sub-standard European motors, although there are many parallels between this and the Hector : Badge of Carnage game for the iPhone, iPod Touch and iPad.

I thought I would start with the Hector : Badge of Carnage YouTube Trailer. It sums up what the Hector iApp is all about much better than me banging on about my promiscuous relatives does.

Pretty sweet, huh? 18, 932 people can’t be wrong can they? Well actually they probably could give the current state of the political landscape, but that is a conversation for another blog and for someone who gives a crap about politics. But hopefully this video has whet your appetite and you are now just just wondering where to go to get your copy of Hector : Bagde of Carnage. Click here to go directly to iTunes and download the game now or go to www.thehectorfiles.tv to find out more about Hector.

Now off you go. And if this post has done nothing else but discourage you from ever purchasing a Renault Dauphine or visiting Burton-on-Trent then my work here is done.

Unless you have been living in a cave for the last few weeks you will know that the Hector : Badge of Carnage iApp has hit the iTunes App Store with the sort of force that is usually only seen at chucking out time at the Broken Arms in Clappers Wreake. Well, in case you were wondering why the blog has been emptier than a Scottish pay toilet for the last few weeks, I have in fact been living in a cave so I am only now catching up with the news on how well my old mate Hector has been doing. It seems that the game has been making more waves than Hector used to make in the bath on Mutton Vindaloo Wednesdays.

So I plan to explore the web over the next few weeks and for the benefit of those other poor souls who were also recently living in a cave I will be posting some of the online blurb about the game and allowing even the most reclusive of people to find out about the first installment of the Hector Badge of Carnage trilogy of games.

If you want to find out more about Hector – Fat Arse of the Law – and the Badge of Carnage game then go to www.thehectorfiles.tv and see what all of the fuss is about. Or you can click here to go directly to iTunes and buy the beast right now. And if you want to find out why I was living in a cave for the last few months, then you will have to mind your own damn business. That is a matter between me and the Leopard Man of Skye

Pocketgamer, the world’s number one review site for mobile and handheld games, has just selected the top ten point and click, or poke and prod, adventure games for the iPhone, iPod Touch and iPad. And guess which game has been selected in this top ten list?

If you don’t already know then the fact that I am blogging about it on the Hector : Badge of Carnage blog should give you a clue.

I give you a hint. It starts with ‘H’ and ends in ‘ector : Badge of Carnage.’

OK I won’t keep you in suspenders any longer. It’s Hector : Badge of Carnage! Shock O’Clock, eh?!?

Here is what the good people over at PocketGamer had to say about Hector : Badge of Carnage:

One of the few truly original releases on this list, Hector isn’t some creaky VGA Amiga game exhumed and resurrected for a few extra quid, or a sparkly new PC adventure chucked onto the iPad. This is an iPhone exclusive.

It’s also filthy, rude and extremely perverse, grabbing the ‘you must be 17 years old’ sticker for such gruesome feats as making you fish out a key from a blocked toilet with a used condom, or talking a fat prostitute into giving up her garter.

For obsessive adventure gamer nutters like myself, who have already beaten those old games 17 times over without a walkthrough or in-game hint system, it’s nice to have something entirely new to play. Give it a go, and maybe the developer will cough up episodes two and three.

Well, well! I hate to say I told you so. Well actually I don’t. I quite like it. ‘I Told You So!’ Long time readers of this blog will know that I have been crapping on about how great Hector was going to be for months, so it is nice to have someone else say it! Why not, talk a stroll back through previous posts to see what I mean.

Here is the full list of Pocketgamer’s Top 10 point and click adventures games:

• Hector : Badge of Carnage Episode 1
• Monkey Island 2 Special Edition: LeChuck’s Revenge
• The Secret of Monkey Island: Special Edition
• Broken Sword: Director’s Cut
• Beneath a Steel Sky: Remastered
• Flight of the Amazon Queen
• Sam & Max Episode 1: The Penal Zone
• Wallace & Gromit The Last Resort
• 1112 Episodes 01 & 02
• Simon the Sorcerer / Simon the Sorcerer 2: The Lion, the Wizard and the Wardrobe

But if you haven’t got your copy of Hector : Badge of Carnage yet then you should go and get it now as Pocketgamer couldn’t be wrong! Could they? No! They definitely couldn’t. I mean, just look at these guys. I don’t know about you, but I would certainly buy double glazing off any of these guys.

Except maybe the guy in the front with the green shirt on. I mean if he can’t be be bothered buttoning up his shirt what else can’t he be bothered doing! Know what I’m saying? No? Me neither. Anyway, thanks to everyone at Pocketgamer for including Hector on your list.

If you have not checked out Hector : Badge of Carnage then how many more people do you need to till you that it’s great before you go and check it out? Click here to go to iTunes now or go to www.thehectorfiles.tv to find out more about Hector : Fat Arse of the Law

You’d best click quick if you want to get your unwashed paws on a FREE on the house copy of HECTOR: Badge of Carnage from the nice guys who love to touch Apps over at Touch My Apps!

Claw your way to the top of the pile and be careful not to get your eye poked in the mad scramble for HECTOR: Badge of Carnage for iPhone! Things are about to get ugly….

Click here to go to Pocketgamer and find out all about the competition. Or why wait for a free copy. The game is so good that it needs to be played now! Click here to go to iTunes now or go to www.thehectorfiles.tv to find out more about Hector : Fat Arse of the Law.

….keeps the doctor away. No I am not talking about Apples of the delicious Cox’s Pippen, Granny Smith or Cornish Gilliflower variety. The ones rich in rich in Vitamin C, Flavonoids and phenols, which can help your immune system, prevent heart disease and reduce bad cholesterol.

No, I am talking about Apple, the American multi-national corporation that designs and markets consumer electronics, computer software, and personal computers. Apple have created such a wealth of electronic goodies that you now have no need to leave your house. You can now lie around your house in a pool of your own filth organising your world from the luxury of your touch screen. There is no need to ever go to the doctor again! And if you do get sick I am sure there is an iApp for it.

And speaking of iApps, Apple have seen fit to select Hector : Badge of Carnage as one of the ‘Best Games You’ve Never Played!’ Quite an honour! The App Store now features nearly 250,000 Apps so to have our game selected by Apple themselves is proof that we were right in continuously banging on about how great the Hector game was going to be!

Here is what the good people of Apple had to say about it:

“HECTOR: Badge of Carnage Ep1 – This point and click adventure game really pushes the boundaries of the App Store approval process. Filled with dirty humor and raunchy references, Hector won’t take you more than a few hours to beat… But those few hours will be amazing.”

And if you don’t believe us, then you have trust issues, but the good people over at TouchMyApps and TouchArcade also noticed that Hector had earned a place on Apple’s illustrious list, so maybe you will trust them. I won’t take it personally.

So all that is left for you to do is to go to iTunes and download Hector for yourself and find out what all of the fuss is about. Click here to go to iTunes or go to www.thehectorfiles.tv to find out more about Hector : Fat Arse of the Law.