….keeps the doctor away. No I am not talking about Apples of the delicious Cox’s Pippen, Granny Smith or Cornish Gilliflower variety. The ones rich in rich in Vitamin C, Flavonoids and phenols, which can help your immune system, prevent heart disease and reduce bad cholesterol.

No, I am talking about Apple, the American multi-national corporation that designs and markets consumer electronics, computer software, and personal computers. Apple have created such a wealth of electronic goodies that you now have no need to leave your house. You can now lie around your house in a pool of your own filth organising your world from the luxury of your touch screen. There is no need to ever go to the doctor again! And if you do get sick I am sure there is an iApp for it.

And speaking of iApps, Apple have seen fit to select Hector : Badge of Carnage as one of the ‘Best Games You’ve Never Played!’ Quite an honour! The App Store now features nearly 250,000 Apps so to have our game selected by Apple themselves is proof that we were right in continuously banging on about how great the Hector game was going to be!

Here is what the good people of Apple had to say about it:

“HECTOR: Badge of Carnage Ep1 – This point and click adventure game really pushes the boundaries of the App Store approval process. Filled with dirty humor and raunchy references, Hector won’t take you more than a few hours to beat… But those few hours will be amazing.”

And if you don’t believe us, then you have trust issues, but the good people over at TouchMyApps and TouchArcade also noticed that Hector had earned a place on Apple’s illustrious list, so maybe you will trust them. I won’t take it personally.

So all that is left for you to do is to go to iTunes and download Hector for yourself and find out what all of the fuss is about. Click here to go to iTunes or go to www.thehectorfiles.tv to find out more about Hector : Fat Arse of the Law.

Well, well, well! It seems like I wasn’t talking to myself over the last few months and that you all were hanging on my every work like a bunch of salivating dogs around a wounded guinea pig. Well, I hate to say I told you so, but, I told you so. Hector: Badge of Carnage is pretty darn good isn’t it? It’s so good that we have even sent someone over to WWDC in San Francisco to bump uglies with the great and good of the Apple world and tell everyone across the pond about Hector.

In a happy coincide Hector has also been sent over to San Fran as part of a hearts and minds operation that the Metropolitan Police are running with the SFPD. Hector has been sent to California to police the streets of San Fran and some poor sod from the SFPD has been sent to Clappers Wreake to fill Hector’s boots for a week. I think I know who got the better deal there. Hector has been tasked with policing the WWDC so you can follow his progress on Twitter @diHector.

Things at WWDC seem to be going well. Hector was last seen wrestling Steve Jobs to the deck as he stepped over a crowd control rope at the queue for the Krispy Kremes. And Straandlooper are successfully spreading the word about Badge of Carnage to the uninitiated. I would start telling you all about all of the wonderful reviews that we have had over the last few days but there are just too many and I genuinely can’t be arsed. I will mention this one simply because it has the most uninspiring title I have ever heard:

And some other people also said that it was the greatest thing since they decided to put cheese in a can, but you don’t need me to tell you this. You are all big enough and ugly enough to find out how great Hector is for yourself. Just type it into Google, Twitter, FaceSlap or MyArse or whatever it is that you people do and stop relying on me to hold your hand.

But just in case there a few people still squatting in a ditch sticking berries up their nose and they don’t know what this Hector business is, click here to go to iTunes and see what all of the fuss is about.

Phew! I haven’t been this busy at work since I ordered that lorryload of paperclips. Ah, the memories. Well, since the launch of the Hector: Badge of Carnage game the world wide interweb has been awash with Hector activity. The last time their was this much Hector activity online was when some greasy young oik caught Hector urinating over the statue in the town square, filmed it and stuck it up on YouTube. He had some job explaining that one to Meeks, but he passed it off as a new policing technique, where he was actually sweeping the place for forensic clues for a case he was working on. Unsurprisingly Meeks bought it and had the video pulled from YouTube protecting Hector’s modesty, at least for the time being.

Anyway, as I was saying there has been plenty of chat about Hector online and PocketGamer – the leading online destination for mobile games – has just got in on the act posting the article below.

Click on the image to go to PocketGamer and read what they have to say about the game.

Or click here to go to iTunes to have a look at the game for yourself. Go on! You know you want to. We’ll talk about you behind your back if you don’t. And I can tell. I have Google Analytics. I can even tell you what you had for breakfast. Yes, that’s right Josh in Darlington. Kippers. Shame on you.

The launch of the second most anticipated game of 2010 – Hector: Badge of Carnage – hasn’t gone unnoticed in the weird and wonderful world of the t’interweb. The good folks over at Touch Arcade have salivating like the game hungry dogs that they are over the launch and have been posting their little hearts out over the last few days.

Click on the image above to go over to the forum and see what the world has been saying about the game. When Hector stumbled home from the Broken Arms late last night even logged on to see what was going on and lobbed in a free promo code for one lucky reader. A bit out of character for the big man, but then I did tell him not to mix Peach Schnapps with Jägermeister so he only has himself to blame. Don’t expect any interactions with him this morning as he is currently talking on the old porcelain telephone and it looks like it will be a long conversation.

If you want to check out the Hector game for yourself you can got to iTunes now and download it for yourself. Just tell them I sent you.

So the day has finally arrived. They said it couldn’t be done! Yes, the first installment of the Hector: Fat Arse of the Law Badge of carnage games is out today and currently available for download from the iTunes App Store. It feels a bit strange saying that as I have spent the best part of a year saying coming soon, or check back for more details, but no more. It gives me great pride to say ‘Click here’ to go to iTunes and get your copy now!

Hector: Badge of Carnage Episode 1

When a hostage crisis erupts in the centre of Clappers Wreake, only one man has the diplomatic finesse to defuse a simmering situation before it boils over into a stew of butchery and bloodshed: Detective Inspector Hector. He’s all they’ve got. Literally. All the other negotiators are dead. Hector has a choice to make: carry out the terrorist’s curiously altruistic demands, or watch as his fellow officers are picked off one by one. Hector’s still on the fence.

Stagger a drunken mile through the Crime Capital of Britain in the size 9s of Detective Inspector Hector: part criminalist, part kebab-fiend, all cop.

Do all the things you’ve dreamed about: hit a tramp with a crowbar, steal a young man’s trousers, kick a heroin addict into a cardboard box, enter a porn shop without embarrassment, carry a designer handbag… all in the name of justice, and all in spectacular ground-breaking 2D.

Did we mention? It’s not for kids.

This isn’t one of those bog-standard Oh-god-where-am-I-how-did-I-get-here-there’s-a-screwdriver-in-a-desk-drawer type escape games that the interweb seems to be infested with nowadays. HECTOR:BADGE OF CARNAGE takes you back to the glory days of the point ‘n click graphic adventure: nonsensical inventory items, favour-hungry reprobates, and a relentless stream of witty one-liners.

What you get:

- 18 sordid, filthy, rundown locations
- 23 well-developed & witty characters (+ 1 stinking drunk)
- 40 Inventory items (includes Free Lubricant!)
- 397 interactive objects
- 2421 spoken lines of dialogue
- Cinematic cutscenes
- Original score
- A good few hours worth of low action puzzle-solving gameplay

What we Get:

- Your cash.

Look, we honestly don’t care if you like it. We just want you to buy it. If you don’t, you’ll never see Episode 2 or 3.

Watch HECTOR: BADGE OF CARNAGE teasers and trailers on www.youtube.com/thehectorfiles or go to www.thehectorfiles.tv for more info on Hector. Or just carry on your sad little lives without paying a blind bit of notice to anything I say. Why change the habit of a lifetime.

With the launch date for the first instalment of the Hector: Fat Arse of the Law Badge of Carnage iApp fast approaching security around the studio has been stepped up to avoid any leaks being made before the official release date. Mostly in an attempt to keep the game away from Apple so they don’t realise that they have made a horrendous mistake in approving it!

But even with security tighter than a mermaid’s brassier, there was a breach late last night where a couple of intruders broke into the studio and made off with the contents of my desk. All we have to go in this grainy image from our CCTV cameras at the rear of the buildings by the wheelie bins.

Thankfully, as I don’t actually do any work, all they made off with was a computer riddled with pornography, one of those executive toys where you stick your hand into a load of pins and it looks like your hand, my Blu-Tac collection, a pen in the shape of a potato, a desk tidy filled with kirby grips and a disc that contains the greatest hits of Black Lace (CD-R).

Police have very little to go on other than the image, although I did notice a potato pen for sale on eBay today. The seller’s name was Kimbo1976. Not much of a lead but I can’t imagine there are too many potato pens out there at the minute so the police are looking into it.

So the game remains safely locked away ready to be released upon an unsuspecting world on 30th May 2010.

As a treat for all of you salivating dogs that are reading this blog waiting with baited breath for the launch of the first installment of the Hector: Badge of Carnage trilogy ‘We Negotiate with Terrorists’ here are some exclusive Wallpapers for you to download and stick on your iPhone.

They may not be quite as exciting as the game but they will have to do until May 30th when you can download the game itself and have as much of Hector smeared all over your iPhone as you like.

Pocketgamer, one of the world’s leading destination for games on Apple iPhone, iPad, iPod touch has given Hector a bit of puff on its website. Click on the image below to read the full article.

And keep an eye out for more Hector goodies in the coming weeks as the date to the laucnh edges ever closer!

Straandlooper are proud to announce release the official trailer for the upcoming release of the first installment of the Hector: Badge of Carnage trilogy of games – ‘We Negotiate with Terrorists’

Available to view now on YouTube in glorious High Definition the Hector Trailer allows you to experience Hector’s world as never before. In HD you can you can see every gritty detail of Hector’s grizzly visage, feel the blood splatters on your face and smell the faint whiff of dead cat as you are whisked through the streets of Clappers Wreake in the trailer for this exciting point and click adventure game due to be released on the iTunes App Store on May 30th 2010.

Go to www.thehectorfiles.tv to find out more information about the game and go to hell if you think that you will find a more incredible game released on the same day!

Hector: Fat Arse of the Law creator and all round Badge of Carnage doyen Dean Burke has given an exclusive interview to Slide to Play about the upcoming release of ‘We Negotiate with Teorrists’ the first in the trilogy of games for the iPhone and iPod Touch due to be released on 30th May 2010.

Click here to read the full interview. And to find out more about the release of this exciting point and click adventure game visit the Hector Files – www.thehectorfiles.tv